This week my poptimistic sensitivity is so worn I’m finding my kicks in rote trap and the unintelligibly bleak Bandokay. Or maybe that Ariana and Justin track is way more hideous than I realise and I’m just to numb to wrap my head round it.

In total there’s eight new entries on the UK Singles Chart this week, as of Friday 15th May 2020.

* I’m clutching at straws when I say the new Ariana Grande and Justine Bieber ballad “Stuck With You” could have been worse, but it’s a valid point. Trying now to think of some way Ariana Grande could shit all over her legacy (and I suppose there are plenty) but realised that half the point with her is she’s flaky, she can be charming but ever so often the mask slips and she’s absolutely obnoxious. This one’s probably not quite obnoxious enough for me.

* I wish I could hate on 6ix9ine’s new single “Goober” but it’s a blank to me. The boy has a lot of rage. I don’t know enough about his situation to judge. I’m inclined to thinking police are generally shady and anti-snitching culture is probably a good thing but by the standards of trapitalism he’s got a point. You tell him how he ratted, he’ll tell you how you’re just big mad and big sad that he came home to a big bag.

* I wish I could love Headie One’s “Rose Gold” a little bit more but it’s a bit of a blank to me. Rote Headie One in one of his less charming moods, feels like a space filler after the wonders of his “Gang” EP. But still! Judging by anyone elses standards, this beat is restless and lush, he hasn’t lost any of his skill on the mic, I’d take this over any of the two higher new entries on this week’s chart.

* The weirdest thing about Vera Lynn’s being at #55 with “We’ll Meet Again” is that it’s a new entry. Wasn’t another new version at number one the other week? Wasn’t the old one in the chart at some point over the last five centuries since it was recorded?

* I’m not sure if Lil Tjay’s “Zoo York” is a hit because it features a spot from Pop Smoke or if Tjay is a thing in and of himself. The track itself has the kind of hook that can’t fail, they’re all competant rappers even if none of the others are anywhere near as distinctive as Pop Smoke, and crucially they sound cocky, one step ahead. It’s fresh.

* Whereas Chris Brown & Young Thug’s “Go Crazy” is stale like month old kebab meat. Nasty.

* Kehlani’s “Can I” scores points by sampling an Aaliyah track subtly enough to capture some of the original atmosphere, and Kehlani’s presence is strong enough that Aaliyah compliments rather than overwhelms her. The angel and the demon. I’d always found Kehlani a little anonymous but this is tasty.

* Bandokay’s “Patient” is by some distance the best new entry on the chart this (last) week for its sheer focus. Lil Tjay sounds like someone in their prime and comfortable with making records, Bandokay has all that plus the sense that he needs to be rapping, that it might buy him just a little time before or even to totally avoid otherwise inevitable meltdown.